(Paper 1, First draft) A Point of Change
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life," I thought, as I shaded my eyes from the sun, flicked my tassel out of the way, and searched across the jam-packed stands looking for a familiar face. There's one. There's two. No, more. My family was cheering me on. I could hear it in my mother's voice as she talked to me before we left for the stadium, and I can see it in all of their faces now. This wasn't just an ordinary day. This wasn't an ordinary day at all. From that moment on, I would be thrown into an entirely different direction. A direction complete with different rules, different responsibilities, and endless possibilities. I was free.
(The grades were in, the diplomas had been printed, and my shackles had been unhinged. As I walked toward the stage, it felt as if my feet hardly touched the ground. Mandatory schooling was over. I knew from then on that the rest of my life rested in my own hands. I took a deep breath of independence soaked in achievement while glancing up at my tassel. The golden "2004" sparkled in the sunlight and the maroon and white threads danced in the breeze. At that moment, I closed the door to high school, teenage drama, and proms. From that moment on, every choice was mine. I was finally on my own. Freedom. Nothing made me feel more alive.)
Beginning when I was a little girl, I had always been shy and quiet around those I did not know and over-excitable around my closest friends. I would do the most off-the-wall stunts just to get a laugh. They had always referred to me as their funniest friend. I was neither the most popular student nor the least popular. I never fit into a stereotype and I was perfectly content with that. I wore what I liked, got involved in the clubs and organizations that appealed to me, and I never thought twice about it. Elementary school was all about having fun.
During this time, my parents separated and eventually divorced by the time I reached the fifth grade. My mother thought it would be best to finish raising my brothers and I in a quiet town in central Pennsylvania. I was nervous about leaving the familiarity of my home state, school, friends, and most of my family. But at the same time, I was exuberant. I had always been open to meeting new people and exploring new environments. This was my chance to start all over again, paint my future. A new life, a blank canvas, was sprawled out before me.
It was a chilly October in 1996. We marked our boxes and loaded our belongings, our past, into the moving truck. I felt a sick feeling brewing in the pit of my stomach as I watched my old house get smaller and smaller as we headed north. There was no turning back; the damage was done. It was a long drive in a shaky, loud and creaky U-Haul. Maybe this was a mistake, I thought. The doubts haunted me. Why did I agree to this? I had so many thoughts in my mind; I could hardly concentrate.
The first day of school snuck up fast. I felt uneasy about interrupting the school year. I was afraid that the “groups” had already formed and I would be nothing more than an outcast. But I was genuinely surprised by how welcomed I was by the students and staff. All of the girls crowded around me during our bathroom break and I made several friends right off the bat. However, it didn’t take long for me to slip back into my habitual shyness. I couldn’t change who I was and I accepted that.
As the years rolled on and I moved further up the food chain, I became slightly more outgoing and social and less of a wallflower. By the time high school snuck up on me, I took one last stab at changing my attitude. I didn’t care who my friends were or what people thought. Why should I?
For whatever reason, by the time I reached my senior year, I had become exhausted with school. I lost nearly complete interest, and I was absent quite a bit. My grades began to suffer and my likeliness of receiving a document for the completion of high school was shrinking by the day. In fear that I would have to repeat my final year of school, I pulled things together enough to get me to that stage.
It was then June of 2004. I was running late. 600 of my fellow classmates and an entire half of our football stadium filled with family members and friends were already there. I felt different from the second I woke up; I started to look at things in a new light. I made it to the stadium in more than enough time. We all sat anxiously in our metal, folding chairs. The breeze flowed, the clouds parted, the sun shined, and our commencement began. From the moment I approached the stage, I knew things would be truly different this time. I had no choice but to surrender to this kick-off into the real world. I knew this, I accepted it, and I welcomed yet another blank canvas into my life. My life changed.
After high school, I was free to live my life as I pleased. I could do whatever I wanted with my future. The freedom felt surreal. This was what I had wished for so long, but I had no idea where to begin. I said goodbye to the shyness. I was not out to please anyone but myself.
I took a year off of school to get a better taste of reality and get a better grasp on what was important to me. I became even more outgoing, spent more time away from home, and gained a sense of independence. This was my time to sort through my priorities and wishes and make life-long decisions. I decided that I wanted to make up for slacking so much throughout high school. I moved back to Maryland to live with my father and be closer to my family. I wanted do well in college, transfer to nursing school, and become a registered nurse. I was determined to make this a reality.
This takes me to the present. I am still that shy girl deep down inside, but I have built up stronger walls and have opened my mind to unlimited possibilities. I have incredible motivation to do well in life. I am very open to new ideas and will try just about anything once. I never want to stop learning. I plan to get my baccalaureate degree in nursing and then continue on to anesthesia school to become a certified registered nurse anesthetist. As frustrated as I get sometimes, I think back to my graduation day. I remembered how utterly amazing it felt to walk across the stage. I remembered how free and ecstatic I felt. It remains only as motivation to get me to where I want to be.
Note: I hope I did this assignment correctly. For some reason, I have this feeling that I went completely off-task. :o(
(The grades were in, the diplomas had been printed, and my shackles had been unhinged. As I walked toward the stage, it felt as if my feet hardly touched the ground. Mandatory schooling was over. I knew from then on that the rest of my life rested in my own hands. I took a deep breath of independence soaked in achievement while glancing up at my tassel. The golden "2004" sparkled in the sunlight and the maroon and white threads danced in the breeze. At that moment, I closed the door to high school, teenage drama, and proms. From that moment on, every choice was mine. I was finally on my own. Freedom. Nothing made me feel more alive.)
Beginning when I was a little girl, I had always been shy and quiet around those I did not know and over-excitable around my closest friends. I would do the most off-the-wall stunts just to get a laugh. They had always referred to me as their funniest friend. I was neither the most popular student nor the least popular. I never fit into a stereotype and I was perfectly content with that. I wore what I liked, got involved in the clubs and organizations that appealed to me, and I never thought twice about it. Elementary school was all about having fun.
During this time, my parents separated and eventually divorced by the time I reached the fifth grade. My mother thought it would be best to finish raising my brothers and I in a quiet town in central Pennsylvania. I was nervous about leaving the familiarity of my home state, school, friends, and most of my family. But at the same time, I was exuberant. I had always been open to meeting new people and exploring new environments. This was my chance to start all over again, paint my future. A new life, a blank canvas, was sprawled out before me.
It was a chilly October in 1996. We marked our boxes and loaded our belongings, our past, into the moving truck. I felt a sick feeling brewing in the pit of my stomach as I watched my old house get smaller and smaller as we headed north. There was no turning back; the damage was done. It was a long drive in a shaky, loud and creaky U-Haul. Maybe this was a mistake, I thought. The doubts haunted me. Why did I agree to this? I had so many thoughts in my mind; I could hardly concentrate.
The first day of school snuck up fast. I felt uneasy about interrupting the school year. I was afraid that the “groups” had already formed and I would be nothing more than an outcast. But I was genuinely surprised by how welcomed I was by the students and staff. All of the girls crowded around me during our bathroom break and I made several friends right off the bat. However, it didn’t take long for me to slip back into my habitual shyness. I couldn’t change who I was and I accepted that.
As the years rolled on and I moved further up the food chain, I became slightly more outgoing and social and less of a wallflower. By the time high school snuck up on me, I took one last stab at changing my attitude. I didn’t care who my friends were or what people thought. Why should I?
For whatever reason, by the time I reached my senior year, I had become exhausted with school. I lost nearly complete interest, and I was absent quite a bit. My grades began to suffer and my likeliness of receiving a document for the completion of high school was shrinking by the day. In fear that I would have to repeat my final year of school, I pulled things together enough to get me to that stage.
It was then June of 2004. I was running late. 600 of my fellow classmates and an entire half of our football stadium filled with family members and friends were already there. I felt different from the second I woke up; I started to look at things in a new light. I made it to the stadium in more than enough time. We all sat anxiously in our metal, folding chairs. The breeze flowed, the clouds parted, the sun shined, and our commencement began. From the moment I approached the stage, I knew things would be truly different this time. I had no choice but to surrender to this kick-off into the real world. I knew this, I accepted it, and I welcomed yet another blank canvas into my life. My life changed.
After high school, I was free to live my life as I pleased. I could do whatever I wanted with my future. The freedom felt surreal. This was what I had wished for so long, but I had no idea where to begin. I said goodbye to the shyness. I was not out to please anyone but myself.
I took a year off of school to get a better taste of reality and get a better grasp on what was important to me. I became even more outgoing, spent more time away from home, and gained a sense of independence. This was my time to sort through my priorities and wishes and make life-long decisions. I decided that I wanted to make up for slacking so much throughout high school. I moved back to Maryland to live with my father and be closer to my family. I wanted do well in college, transfer to nursing school, and become a registered nurse. I was determined to make this a reality.
This takes me to the present. I am still that shy girl deep down inside, but I have built up stronger walls and have opened my mind to unlimited possibilities. I have incredible motivation to do well in life. I am very open to new ideas and will try just about anything once. I never want to stop learning. I plan to get my baccalaureate degree in nursing and then continue on to anesthesia school to become a certified registered nurse anesthetist. As frustrated as I get sometimes, I think back to my graduation day. I remembered how utterly amazing it felt to walk across the stage. I remembered how free and ecstatic I felt. It remains only as motivation to get me to where I want to be.
Note: I hope I did this assignment correctly. For some reason, I have this feeling that I went completely off-task. :o(
posted by Erin at
8:26 PM
2 Comments:
Author’s Name and Title: Erin Childs / Point of Change
1. What kind of introduction are you using? Why? Explain. Is it on the effective or ineffective list (look at the list. Don’t just wing it)?
I believe that I am using an effective anecdote. It give a little bit of a story, some details, and some background to give a general idea of what the essay is going to be about.
2. What do you like best about your essay right now? Why? Explain.
To be honest, I only really like my introduction. I have this gut feeling that I didn’t do this right and could have somehow done better throughout the rest of the paper; however, it frustrates me because I don’t know what to do or how to change it in order to meet my standards.
3. Which paragraph would you work on if you had more time? Choose ONE and explain why.
I would change the conclusion. I do not think I was very effective in wrapping up the essay and pulling it to a close.
4. List five relevant CONCRETE details that you didn’t use but could in the next draft. Be specific, and describe at least two details about something absent.
Bathroom break.
The chilly October of 1996.
First day of school.
Walking across the stage (Toward the end)
All of the girls crowded around me during our bathroom break. The warmth emanated beneath us as we sat on the pink radiator while they flooded me with questions of pure curiosity. I can still remember the scent of the antibacterial hand soap lingering in the air and our teacher’s stern voice giving us a minute warning. I made several new friends right off the bat.
It was a chilly October in 1996. The mountains were sprinkled with a medley of fall pigments with thin pillows of fog trapped sporadically throughout the valleys of the enormous, tree-coated rock structures. The air was crisp and I one could taste the burning wood from the fireplaces of the occupants below.
5. Find one new comparison(ie simile or metaphor) to describe something in your essay.
I was always a jester. I was always doing off-the-wall stunts just to make my friends laugh.
By
Erin, at 8:10 AM
Erin,
I agree with many of the comments that your intro (either one or two) are the most vivid paragraphs right now. Good. The problem, of course, is that they don't have much to do with the essay as a ahole. So Here's what I suggest: start with the paragraph where you say you've always been a jester. Then SHOW US EXAMPLES of that. You can stick with your narrative about moving, but it's got to come back to your pranks and your shyness. Then maybe you can give us another prank at the graduation. Your essay needs a connecting idea or theme, and the prankster/shy girl one seems like it would work the best. You can even close with an example of the way you act now at school -- how you feel free, but are maybe still a little bit like the jester you were back then. See what I mean? OK. Let me know if you have questions. Good luck.
CK
By
Carr Kizzier, at 6:58 AM
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